Remember the beginning of your relationship when everything was fun and exciting?
You & your honey would spend hours chatting on the phone having deep conversations about nothing, yet you couldn’t hang up.
"You hang up first...no, you hang up first."
You’d count the days down to the weekend because you’d finally get to see one another. When the time came, you made sure you looked and smelled delicious because the weekend was sure to include a considerable amount of sexy time (as my colleague & friend Dr. Uchenna Ossai, aka YouSeeLogic, likes to call it .
Woo! The good ole days.
So what happened?
Where did the fire go?
Where are all the “spontaneous” hot and heavy moments that stayed on your mind for weeks now?
These days those intense moments of connection have been replaced with mind-numbing activities after a long day of work, falling asleep in the kids’ room because they won’t go to bed unless you fall asleep in there with them, or trying to catch up on work for the next day.
I mean, come on. Who has time for sex, let alone pleasurable sex? Right?
That’s right, I said, “you do.”
Truth bomb: You have to TAKE THE TIME to PRIORITIZE YOUR PLEASURE.
I’m going to be real with you because the myth that sexy time spontaneously happens has tripped you up for way too long. It’s blocking you from your pleasure.
Truth bomb: Sexy Time was never really spontaneous. The majority of the time you were planning for it. You were preparing. You were PRIORITIZING it. You just didn’t know it.
Say what? Yup.
Think about it. When you weren’t living together, you were making plans to be together. You were looking through your work schedule and personal commitments to MAKE TIME for one another. When you set the date, you were getting groomed, waxed, buying a new outfit, wearing clean socks—you were PREPARING for the possibility of pleasure & sex.
It was so good and you couldn't get enough of it. You wanted more of it in your life, so you moved in together, maybe even got married. Now you could have sexy time whenever you wanted! Yay! Instead you rarely go to sleep at the same time or even have date night anymore, let alone have pleasurable sex.
Truth Bomb: You stopped prioritizing pleasure.
Truth Bomb: You thought the pleasure would prioritize itself.
Truth Bomb: You didn’t know that pleasure would still require effort.
Relax. You’re not alone. Hollywood sells us the “Happily Ever After” picture perfect movie, but doesn’t present us with the “You’re Going to Have to Nurture Your Sex Life and THAT’S OKAY” documentary, leaving a lot of people to question what went wrong when their intimacy doesn’t spontaneously carry itself into the next phase of their relationship.
Prioritizing pleasure by planning for it doesn’t sound very sexy, but it is! Making pleasure a priority means you understand the benefits of physical touch, sexual intimacy, and pleasure beyond orgasm.
Begin prioritizing pleasure by:
- Scheduling time for pleasure & sex. Yep, put it on the calendar. Designate a day/time for it. You don’t have to stick to those days if pleasure presents itself on non-scheduled days, but honor the scheduled days like you would any other appointment.
- Get back to flirting. Who says you have to stop flirting once you’ve been together after (x) number of years. Send that nasty text, blow those kisses across the room, compliment one another’s appearance. FLIRT!
- Make your bedroom a sacred space for pleasure. That means taking the pets, kids, and any other distraction out of the room. Honor your relationship by having a space that is solely for you & your partner and lends itself for “spontaneous” sexy time.
- Expand your pleasure menu. When you focus solely on pleasure by way of genitals and penetration, you miss out on countless of ways your body can experience pleasure. Take some time to discuss what you'd like to explore. (Note: shaming your partner when they share their interests/desires is the best way to shut down any chance of sexual or emotional intimacy. Don't do it!)
Take some time today to talk to your partner about ways you canbegin to prioritize pleasure in your relationship. Be creative, be receptive, and make it fun.
If you get stuck and feel overwhelmed then reach out to a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and sexuality to help provide you with the support and resources you need.
Remember, pleasure is meant for release so have fun and enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: THE RELATIONSHIP & SEXUAL WELLNESS CENTER blog is not intended to be a substitute for legal, ethical or medical consultation or for treatment and is strictly for educational and entertainment purposes. Nothing found on the website or email is a substitute for professional psychological, psychiatric or medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.